David's GreenZone Story

The old man, the green island and the red sea Hello my name is David Harrington, and this is my journey to living in my Green Zone.

As I reflect back on my life and my life experiences I have come to a key question, ‘where do I start?’ To go through my life’s journey from birth would be rather extensive, however also pertinent to how I developed an Anxiety Disorder with Panic Attacks and periods of Depression.

To keep this particular story condensed I will start with when my disorder became debilitating to my activities of daily living.

Around 2000 I started to develop symptoms that were both bizarre and foreign to me.

Although at the time I did not know what it was, however I now know it was an anxiety disorder associated with panic attacks and predisposing me to a mild form of depression.

The mental symptoms that I first felt as I reflect back were feelings of fear, scared all of the time for no reason, rapid thought process, an inability to concentrate, periods of disorientation, “what if” thinking, thoughts that I might be going crazy or was suffering from schizophrenia, bad thoughts like “what if I died or if someone around me died, or what if I did some awful thing?” (Please note I never acted out these thoughts, they are part of the disorder).

These were some of the mental symptoms that I experienced.

The physical symptoms that I felt included, nausea, not eating, perfuse sweating, decreased energy level to the point that all I wanted to do was go home, home was the only place I felt safe.

The above symptoms came on gradually, but after several months of denial - running to the washroom at work to hide, running straight home after work so I was in a safe environment - I knew.

Finally I built up enough courage to see my family doctor.

He suggested at that time that I start medication and seek the help of psychiatry.

I refused both options, because to me doing either one of these things would confirm to me that I was a ‘nut case’ and the social world would label me as such.

After one month I could no longer take the symptoms as they were getting worse and I was now unable to work due to this disorder.

Finally, I agreed to take medication, however instead of psychiatry I found a nurse who specialized in therapy.

After three to four months on medication I felt like my normal self again, therefore I gradually stopped my medication and no longer saw my nurse therapist.

Later I would find this decision to be a big mistake.

After approximately one year of no symptoms slowly they came back.

Again I denied treatment to myself because again to me treatment meant I was ‘crazy’.

This time I told nobody how I was feeling because I was a tough guy and could do it on my own.

Let me tell you that being the tough guy is really being the loser.

When you play this role of denial you lose focus of what is really important in life.

I ended up leaving my wife, moved in with friends, partied hard and drank a lot of rye and beer.

I was short tempered, got into fights in hockey and at the bar, basically I was an ignorant asshole, and slowly but surely the tough guy became the loser.

After 6 months of this behavior I finally swallowed my pride and went in to see my family doctor, again I started back on medication and again I went to see my nurse therapist, and this time I even built up enough courage to see a psychiatrist.

I had seen this psychiatrist only once; in this one meeting he had his head down the entire time writing notes.

At the end of our one hour session he told me there was nothing wrong with me and that I should take some time to figure out if I really wanted to be married or not.

Then he said, “Just in case though I want to write a prescription for medication”.

I never did fill that prescription and I never saw that psychiatrist again.

After this meeting I was worse off because I was certain I never wanted to see any psychiatrist again.

The therapy I received from my nurse therapist was at best OK.

She was just too nice, and supplied supportive counseling rather than cognitive development.

She would rather talk about my past than help me develop skills on how to live today.

Although I felt this way I continued see her, although no progress was made.

It also felt belittled that after every session I had to pay write then, instead of receiving a bill in the mail, I found this practice belittling of any progress we may have made.

Again, I believe the medication had worked for me, and after about six months to one year I was back to my normal self.

Now I was in a real hole because I was feeling better, however I did not have my wife or other important things in my life.

I went back to my wife, and lucky for me she is a good-hearted woman who sincerely loves me and took me back after all of the hurt I had caused her.

There is an important point readers should identify in the last paragraph which is that denial and tough guy roles can seriously effect others in your life that truly love you.

I lived a symptom free year and a half.

I was again free of counseling and medication.

However this would again come to an end.

All of the symptoms were coming back gradually and this time worse than ever before.

At work I could not concentrate for longer than one hour without going to the washroom to hide, or without calling my wife for reassurance.

While at work the only comfort I had was going home in 8 hrs, this counting down method can make for one long day.

By this time I had become a master at hiding my disorder; finally the day came that I recognized as the turning point in my disorder.

I was sitting at the triage desk assessing a lady with a heart rate of 180 beats per minute, as a trained professional I asked her several pertinent questions, however I was repeating myself without even knowing it, I was truly confused.

This lady said to me “Son, are you ok?” I turned to a co-worker and asked them to complete the assessment of this patient.

I went outside for a breather when it dawned on me that I was no longer safe to work.

I walked back into the department, my co-worker was very concerned, therefore I saw a doctor whom I trusted, and he sent me home that day.

I hit the bottom that day; I could no longer hide it.

I would not return to work.

I hid in my house for several days, scared, confused, depressed, angry, with a ‘why me’ attitude.

After several days at home I finally went out with my mom and my wife to the mall, a place that I have gone to all of my life.

While I was there I lost site of them, the fear and panic that I felt that day was unbearable and I am unable to put it into words.

The next day I contacted the Employee Assistance Program offered by my employer, and in one week I had an appointment to see a counsellor.

She was excellent at what she did, which was cognitive therapy while I waited to see psychiatry.

There were times I could not sit through an entire session because I would become panicked, scared, and confused.

I started my medication again and hoped it would work quickly.

I called the psychiatrist office that I was referred to.

A lady answered the phone by the name of Anne, I drilled her with questions about Dr. Sohail and she answered every question, then she talked to me about what I was looking for in a psychiatrist.

By the end of this discussion with Anne I think the healing process already began because I felt like the philosophies of the Creative Psychotherapy Clinic was exactly what I needed.

I did not want another psychiatrist like the last one, nor did I want another nurse therapist like the last one.

Still skeptical I bought and read Dr. Sohail’s book, The Art of Living in Your Green Zone, after reading this book; along with five years of bad psychotherapy I was happy because that I felt I was on the right path.

My first meeting with Dr. Sohail and Anne was about one to two months after the original referral from my family doctor.

Although the wait time was long I personally did not care how long the wait was because, after talking with Anne and reading Dr. Sohail’s, book I knew I was on the right track.

The wait time can be a testing time for a patient.

At times you feel like you will never get in, or that it is just a waste of time waiting to see a psychiatrist whom you do not know.

During this wait time I continued to follow up with my family doctor, continued my medications, continued seeing EAP counseling, and continued hiding in my house waiting.

This wait time although unfortunate can be a positive thing, because it gives time for the medication to take effect, and once you get the call for an appointment you are ready and willing to do the work to achieve a healthy life style.

My first encounter with Anne and Dr. Sohail was a positive experience, I told my story of why I felt that I needed psychiatry, and I could not believe it, but both Anne and Dr.Sohail both listened.

Unlike counselors I had seen in the past they really did listen, and at the end of our first meeting neither counselor gave any quick solution to my problems.

I did not walk out of the office that day with any new prescriptions and I was never told that nothing was wrong with me.

Instead I left with a positive experience and the following understandings: I was told there is no quick fix and that we would take a road of recovery that is Dr. Sohail’s philosophy of the “turtle approach” slow but steady.

As a type A person this was not sitting to well, however slow allowed me to identify and rectify problems as they arouse.

I walked out with an appointment for every Friday at the same time, unlimited, please note that this is an extremely important part, because I do not know of any other psychiatrist that is willing to give one hour of his time every week to the same patient for psychotherapy.

Something I found bizarre was that when I left my first meeting I left with no official diagnosis.

Because I work in health care I found this really difficult to understand, however I can now see the importance of this.

The importance is I am unique and every person is unique, so how can you place a generalized mental health diagnosis on a person.

Instead of labeling, we identified areas in which I needed help and that is what we focused on.

The last thing I walked out with was homework; I needed to start a journal.

Journal writing was foreign to me and almost sounded silly, however let me tell you that this is not silly, it is a valuable tool.

Though journal writing you will identify areas that require immediate attention and area’s that need attention but can wait.

On the second meeting I began to understand the Green Zone theory in depth so I could apply it in my life.

Here I would like to share a story that Dr. Sohail told me, one that put the Green Zone theory together for me There is a peaceful and wise man, this man is extremely intelligent and lives a Green Zone life style.

One day a younger man came up to him and asked to be his student.

The wise man said no, because students ask too many questions.

The young man was determined so he promised not to ask any questions.

The wise man said all students ask question, however the wise man made a deal with this young man.

The wise man said I will teach you, and I know you will ask questions, once you have asked three questions we will shake hands and go our separate ways.

The young man agreed so off they went.

They were at a bar one night, the wise man saw a very happy man sitting at the bar drinking whisky.

The wise man said to his student, “I want you to go over there and slap that man in the face.

” The student said to him, but why? The wise man said that was your first question.

So the student went over to this man at the bar and slapped him in the face.

From that a big fistfight broke out.

Several months later the wise man and his student were at a political debate.

While the politician was speaking the wise man asked his student to go up on stage and slap the man in the face.

The student asked, but why? The wise man told the student that was his second question.

So the student went on stage and slapped this man across the face.

The politician was outrage, he started swearing and yelling at the student.

Weeks later the wise man and his student were walking past a village where there was an old man teaching several young children.

The wise man said to his student, “I want you to go over there and slap that man across the face.

” The student asked, but why? The wise man told the student that was his third and final question.

So the student went over and slapped the old man across the face.

The old man just ignored the incident and went on teaching, so again the student slapped him across the face; this time the old man said, “Could you please leave us alone I am trying to teach the children”.

The student then walked away, confused.

The wise man said to his student you have asked your three questions we must now shake hands and go our own ways.

The student said, “Could you please explain to me why you had me slap these people?” The wise man agreed and stated the following: The guy at the bar had received a promotion at work; he was out celebrating, he was happy and in the Green Zone.

When you slapped him, he was outrage and started a fistfight; he spent the night in jail.

Your slap took him from Green Zone to Red Zone.

The politician was leading the poles, and that was his final speech.

When you slapped him he did not hit you back; however he did retaliate by yelling and swearing.

He lost the election once people seen that.

Your slap took him from Green Zone to the Yellow Zone.

When you slapped the old man teaching the student he had no retaliation, when you slapped him a second time he remained calm and politely asked you to leave him and his students alone.

You were unable to take this man out of his Green Zone, because he is at peace with himself, and you cannot break that.

This story really hit me.

After hearing this story I realized I was the man at the bar.

I could easily be taken from my Green Zone due to exterior factors that I really have no control over.

I had a new goal now, and that goal was to become the old man who was teaching his students.

This man was so emotionally stable, so focused that it would be impossible to harm this man.

After our second or third meeting, Dr. Sohail suggested that I join group therapy lead by him and his co-therapist, Bette.

I had never taken part in group therapy and the only real vision I had of it was from the movie One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest.

I was skeptical about how this would help me, but I was willing to do anything that would assist me in achieving my Green Zone.

So I agreed.

Group has proven to be a valuable experience.

It teaches you many things, first you are not alone, you learn to listen, when it is your turn to speak you learn to take your own advise, and when you are in focus you receive supportive feedback from different individuals with different life experiences.

It is your own confidential place to talk to others about your emotional state.

Another dynamic part of therapy with Dr. Sohail was that he invited my wife to come in and to be a part of my care plan.

I found this to be beneficial to my healing.

It was beneficial because my wife was directly affected by my mental health disorder.

It was important for me to have her by my side and understand some of the issues that I was dealing with.

After about the fourth or fifth session I said to Dr. Sohail, “Do you not want to talk about my past?” I had found it bizarre that I had seen him for five weeks and we did not focus extensively on my past.

His answer was simple; he said we could talk about it if I wanted to, or if there are parts of the past that really bothered me.

However as I thought about it, it was today, the here and now that I was struggling with, the past was yesterday and there really is not much that I could do to change it.

So we never did talk much about the past, I liked this approach because every other counselor seemed to focus on yesterday.

Dr. Sohail and I focus more on the today and tomorrow.

At about week six I could really start to notice a difference.

Part of my problem was that I could never slow down.

I would work 12 hrs shifts, run a small business, and did not believe in hiring anybody to do any job because they could never do it as well as I could.

By this time though I was still off work, I noticed I was taking more of a positive approach to life.

I started to change my eating habits and selected healthier foods; I started to go to the gym, made an effort to walk my dogs in a ravine everyday, and most of all I tried to look at life in a positive manner.

As I started to look at life in a positive manner I was starting to notice more changes.

I noticed that the positivity that I had would radiate from me to my wife, or to my friends, or to my work.

This is very important; positivity is addicting and it is bringing me one step closer to becoming the old man in the Green Zone story.

After six months off work, with the assistance of Dr. Sohail, I was able to return to work on a modified program.

I felt this would be my ultimate challenge.

I would have to learn how to deal with Red Zone issues on a continuous basis and stay on my Green Island in the middle of the Red Sea.

One of the strategies I use is that I do not go into work emotionally weak, by this I mean I no longer work 12 hr shifts and I no longer work night shifts.

I try to take time to talk to my patients; I try to be a polite positive person with my co-workers (although I still joke around a lot, it is just my nature).

I still have an anxiety and panic disorder; the difference is that I know how to deal with it, how to cope and how to be emotionally strong.

I still work very hard everyday to get one step closer to the “Old Man”.

An important point is that the Creative Psychotherapy Clinic combined with my eagerness to get healthier, changed my life.

Many therapists try to get their patients back to work and they consider this a success; however in my experience those patients will ultimately relapse in their illness.

It was important for me to have a life changing experience, and I believe that is the true road to recovery.

I owe a big thank-you to Dr. Sohail, Anne, and Bette as they helped me find the road to my emotional recovery.

Thank you, for listening to my story.

by: David Harrington